WORK
IT MOMMY PODCAST
Learn,
Connect, Encourage
The goal here is to learn to BE THE BEST MOM EVER. That looks a little
different for everyone. That's the beauty of it. Being a mom can be stressful
but we can do it and come out on the other end happy and with a grand sense of
accomplishment knowing that we have given our all to our children. It's true,
babies don't come with a set of instructions but it's our job as mothers to do
all we can to make motherhood work for us. How does a mom learn to be the best
she can be as a parent and empower her future generation? We do it by
connecting with other moms for support. We do it by lovingly building each
other up. We do it by listening to each other.
Work it mommy Podcast Topics revolve around parenting for all stages and ages,
children's and women's health, life balance, nutrition, mental & emotional
health for mothers and children, beauty, fashion, business and career
development. Product reviews, kitchen time savers and recipes. Delivering solo
episodes, conversations and interviews in a real and relatable format.
Mildly comedic podcast encouraging
mom's to be the best mom ever and most importantly maintain our sanity while
you do it! How to stay balanced. How to instill positive qualities in your
child. Life balance. Time saver tips. How to overcome challenges at every age.
How to maintain your glam while being a mother. Wide range of topics in
parenting, nutrition, product reviews, childhood development, pregnancy,
newborns, toddlers, young kids & teens. Delivered in a no frills tell it
like it is manner. Solo episodes, group discussions and interviews.
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mommy podcast
parenting podcast
parenting tips
motherhood
mom hacks
millennial mom
parenting tips
mom life
mommylife
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first time mom
toddler mom
toddler tips
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mommy time savers
meal prep
mom advise
mom motivation
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podcast for moms
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very well family
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parenting motivation
parenting encouragement
nursing
postpartum care
pregnancy
breastfeeding
child nutrition
children’s nutrition
children’s mental health
Teen health
Teen mental health
Mom group
Baby nutrition
Baby products
MOMPRENEURS
HAIR CARE REVIEWS
SKIN CARE REVIEWS
MAKEUP REVIEWS
BEAUTY REVIEWS
KIDS BOOKS REVIEWS
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Podcast guest
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Mompreneurs
en
.WORK IT MOMMY PODCAST
Learn,
Connect, Encourage
The goal here is to learn to BE THE BEST MOM EVER. That looks a little
different for everyone. That's the beauty of it. Being a mom can be stressful
but we can do it and come out on the other end happy and with a grand sense of
accomplishment knowing that we have given our all to our children. It's true,
babies don't come with a set of instructions but it's our job as mothers to do
all we can to make motherhood work for us. How does a mom learn to be the best
she can be as a parent and empower her future generation? We do it by
connecting with other moms for support. We do it by lovingly building each
other up. We do it by listening to each other.
Work it mommy Podcast Topics revolve around parenting for all stages and ages,
children's and women's health, life balance, nutrition, mental & emotional
health for mothers and children, beauty, fashion, business and career
development. Product reviews, kitchen time savers and recipes. Delivering solo
episodes, conversations and interviews in a real and relatable format.
Mildly comedic podcast encouraging
mom's to be the best mom ever and most importantly maintain our sanity while
you do it! How to stay balanced. How to instill positive qualities in your child.
Life balance. Time saver tips. How to overcome challenges at every age. How to
maintain your glam while being a mother. Wide range of topics in parenting,
nutrition, product reviews, childhood development, pregnancy, newborns,
toddlers, young kids & teens. Delivered in a no frills tell it like it is
manner. Solo episodes, group discussions and interviews.
https://www.instagram.com/workitmommypodcast/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZCTvs_Zjmtk3OXKbm01T4Q/
https://www.facebook.com/Work-it-Mommy-Podcast-101850135000021
https://workitmommypodcast.medium.com/
https://music.amazon.com/podcasts/defb3b0b-33b6-4160-b000-e6286130da8f/WORK-IT-MOMMY
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/work-it-mommy/id1535894042
https://radiopublic.com/work-it-mommy-G2e2m0
https://open.spotify.com/show/1ZsSYsOBB1ODoZl9wIfqLb
https://www.stitcher.com/show/work-it-mommy
https://redcircle.com/shows/work-it-mommy
https://www.pinterest.com/workitm/work-it-mom-mom-tips-and-motivation-for-all-ages/
https://workitmommypodcast.blogspot.com/
https://www.reddit.com/user/WORKITMOMMYPODCAST
mommy podcast
parenting podcast
parenting tips
motherhood
mom hacks
millennial mom
parenting tips
mom life
mommylife
millenial mom
first time mom
toddler mom
toddler tips
potty training
girl mom
glam mom
mom of multiples
kids
new mom
newborn
baby
toddler
mommy fashion
Co parenting
mommy routine
family routine
bed time routine
mommy must haves
mommy time savers
meal prep
mom advise
mom motivation
self care for moms
parenting youtube channel
new mom youtube channel
mom youtubers
mom youtuber
scary mommy
podcast for moms
mommy needs vodka
very well family
todays parent
mompreneur
mom entrepreneur
single mom
co parenting
parenting motivation
parenting encouragement
nursing
postpartum care
pregnancy
breastfeeding
child nutrition
children’s nutrition
children’s mental health
Teen health
Teen mental health
Mom group
Baby nutrition
Baby products
MOMPRENEURS
HAIR CARE REVIEWS
SKIN CARE REVIEWS
MAKEUP REVIEWS
BEAUTY REVIEWS
KIDS BOOKS REVIEWS
NEW YOUTUBE channel
New youtube channels
Podcast guest
Be a podcast guest
Be on a podcast
Mompreneaur
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Amazing parenting tips for new parents
Becoming a parent can be one of the most amazing and stressful experiences
anyone can go through. Not only because you have to take care of a cute tiny
baby but also because it completely changes your life. So, in this video, we
wanted to share with you some of our most interesting and amazing lifehacks
that every parent should learn before their baby is born. - In order to calm
your baby and help it get back to sleep without crying, simply fill a bag with
some rice and place it on its bag in order to help it sleep. - If your child
struggles to reach the sink when he/she are trying to wash their hands, then
don't worry because we have the best hack for you. We show you how you can
extend the faucet of your sink simply by cutting up a conditioner bottle. -
Little ones tend to create a huge mess when they are eating so a bib doesn't
really do the job when you need. Well, in this video we show you how you can
repurpose a bathroom towel into an all over bib dress that you can let your
child wear when they are eating. For those of you who can't get rid of their
old toys and you are looking for ways to re-purpose them we have some brilliant
ideas to share with you! - You can re-use an old teddy bear and turn it into a
little hiding place for your candy or money. - If your child is starting to
grow up and you don't feel like throwing away their little toys, we show how to
turn it into a beautiful bowl for your fruits and veggies simply by melting
some of them in the oven. - In order to encourage your kids to brush their
teeth more often, we show you how you can turn their little dinosaurs into
beautiful toothbrush holders that they can keep in the bathroom. Watch our
whole video to see all of our creative and brilliant hacks we have for you that
can inspire you as a parent! We also show you some amazing DIY toys for your
kids that will help them stay entertained without you having to spend a lot of
money on buying them new ones!
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Top 5 Mom Friend Problems—And How
to Fix Them
Parenting is so much easier with good pals.
Learn to overcome friendship hurdles and bond with women who get you.
It’s
awkward to reach out to strangers.
Go
where the moms are.
“If
your new baby is too young for a library story hour but old enough to be out
and among people, show up anyway! Scout out other new moms who might be likely
friend candidates even if your babies are different ages,” says Suzanne
Degges-White, Ph.D., a professor at Northern Illinois University and a coauthor
of Toxic Friendships: Knowing the Rules
and Dealing With the Friends Who Break Them.
In addition to the closest park, music classes are a great place to meet
parents. You can sympathetically ask how they’re managing, and get their number
to plan an after-class coffee sometime.
Keep
in mind that they need you as much as you need them.
Most
of us are used to making friends in the context of being the only “new”
person—say, at a job or after moving. But when you meet a newbie parent, you
can bet she is also feeling vulnerable and open to friendship. Focus on giving
her your attention and the pressure to impress her will lift. For Ashley
Gamell, mother of a toddler and a newborn, making friends in her small town of
Rhinebeck, New York, didn’t turn out to be as hard as she imagined it would be.
“Becoming a parent can be liberating in a way. You don’t look your best and
perhaps you don’t have as many interesting things to say about the world at the
moment, but neither do other parents, and you’re all too busy and exhausted to
care.”
Go
ahead and scroll during nighttime feedings.
When
you see another mom posting about bottle brands at 3 a.m., you’ll know you’re
not alone in the world. And take the plunge and post on the local Facebook mom
group that you’re looking for new mom friends. Leave comments on friends’
photos too.
- RELATED: The Importance of Mom Friendships
Your
pre-kids friend group feels like it’s drifting away.
Take
baby steps.
Choose
one “old” friend and text or call her. “Tell her you’re a little overwhelmed
and not even sure how to get yourself out of the house with the baby, but you’d
just like to know how she’s doing,” suggests F. Diane Barth, a licensed
clinical social worker. Keep going through your phone list, texting one person
per day, and soon you’ll start to feel like you’re above water again.
Look
for friends who are just right for right now.
Like
those friends you met during college orientation, you don’t need people who are
exactly “your type.” You just need other moms to get you through this phase.
Plus, when you need a break from your main preoccupations, you can still reach
out to your old friends, who will be happy to complain to you about whatever
they are going through.
Have
faith that you’ll come together again.
“If
you keep old relationships open and easy, once an old friend becomes a new
parent or is less busy with her own kids, the two of you might just be ready to
amp up your friendship again,” says Dr. Degges-White. I recently hung out with
a few friends who have newborns. As I listened to them chat, I suddenly felt
the way I had in high school when everyone discovered a band I had been into
for years. “You guys had no interest in this stuff when I was going through it!”
I blurted out. “Well,” one said to placate me, “you were a pioneer.”
- RELATED: 8 Products Your Smart Mom Friends Are
Recommending
You’ve
found new friends, but you don’t agree with their parenting style.
Say
nothing for now.
“Remember,
other parents are as likely to follow your well-meaning advice as you are to
follow theirs,” says Dr. Degges-White. “Don’t offer unsolicited feedback unless
you feel their practices pose a danger to your child.” If you’re determined to
preach your own beliefs at every turn, you might receive fewer playdate
invites.
Let
things play out.
“It
will take time to know whether these new connections will work in the long
run,” says Barth. One of my neighbors believes that a restricted diet improves
her child’s behavior. Even if I’m skeptical of her theory, she’s not imposing
anything on me, so the friendship works fine. But another neighbor whose
attitude toward discipline diverges from mine has been a different story. I
gave this friendship a chance for a few good years, and now I know it was meant
to fizzle out.
Get
used to it.
Dealing
with different parenting
styles now is good training for later, when your kids are
older and the stakes may be higher And it’s a good way to teach tolerance by
example.
Your
new mom friends don’t mesh well with your old friends.
Let
the situation solidify your identity.
Bridging
the distance between friends from various periods of your life is a good
exercise in clarifying your own values. It can be freeing to learn to “be yourself”
no matter who is there. Try to consider any social tension as yet another gift
of motherhood that will help you grow.
Keep
hope alive.
“If
you want to throw a party and invite your whole crew of diverse friends, go
ahead and do it,” says Dr. Degges-White. “When the pressure is off to ‘get
along’ and the event is more relaxed, there might be more cross-pollination
between your friends than you thought there would be.”
- RELATED: Building a Mommy Support System
Decide
that it’s not a problem.
My
friend Melissa moved to Miami about a year after she gave birth to her
daughter. Most of the people she knew in New York City, her former home, were
in publishing. “Only one of my friends here is in media,” she says. “The moms
I’ve met are teachers, lawyers, stay-at-home moms—all people I probably would
not have met if I were making friends at work, the way I used to. It’s nice to
learn about new worlds."
You’ve
seen other mom squads out and about, and it feels too late to join.
Ask
about life beyond babies.
“It
was tricky to break into groups because the moms had all met when their
children were newborns,” Melissa says. “Nobody was unwelcoming per se, but they
already knew each other’s backstories. I was working, so I would get invited to
things that started at 11 a.m. or 2:30 p.m., and I kept having to decline. When
I was able to go to something, it was hard to break out of the ‘we’re only
talking about children’ rut.” But once Melissa learned to ask deeper questions
(about life choices or career journeys) and to bring up non-baby-related interests
(such as fun things to do in her cool new city), she found she could speed up
the friendship-forming timeline.
Remind
yourself: This isn’t middle school.
“For
many of us, trying to make new friends opens up painful wounds from childhood,
when we felt as if we were on the outside of an important group and didn’t have
the slightest idea how to get in,” says Barth. “We expect to be rejected by the
group we want to join.” While there might be mom cliques, most adults snub new
people accidentally because of their own social awkwardness or a lack of
awareness, not out of meanness. Don’t assume the worst of a group just because
it takes a while to break in with them.
- RELATED: A Dozen Reasons You May or May Not Want
to Be Friends With That Mom
Turn
kindness into consistency.
“As
kids get older and their friendships become important, your friendliness to
other moms will pay off,” says Dr. Degges-White. Offering to carpool or trade
babysitting hours with a potential parent friend, for example, will not only make
your life easier, it will let you get to know her and her child in an unforced
way. Raising kids does take a village, but sometimes you have to build it
yourself, one friend at a time.
Pre-Pregnancy Health
Before
conceiving, you can increase your chances of having a smooth pregnancy and a
healthy baby. Eat a good pre-conception diet, be sure to exercise, and follow
some important pre-pregnancy dos and don'ts.Also be sure to check out our
section on general health.
Labor & Delivery
The
entire process of labor and delivery can go quickly or it can be excruciatingly
slow. Here you'll learn what to expect and how to prepare for labor and the
delivery of your baby.
What
is a "Natural Birth," Anyway?
Historically,
a "natural birth" has been used to describe a birth that occurs
vaginally without the use of pain medications (like narcotics or an epidural)
or medical intervention of any kind. There's been a shift in the last few
years, however, in the language around "natural" childbirth. For
instance, some people may say that they are hoping for a "natural
birth," but confuse the description to mean having a vaginal delivery
versus a cesarean section. These are two wildly different birth experiences,
but who is to say that one is more natural than the other? And then there's the
concept of medicated delivery versus unmedicated delivery. If you deliver
vaginally, but use medication, is your birth deemed "unnatural?"
After all, isn't the act of giving birth in and of itself the most natural
thing we experience?
How
to Have the Right Labor and Delivery Experience For You
If
a person wants to experience delivery without any medical intervention, it
should be a matter of personal preference. In the United States, pregnant people
are often able to work with their chosen prenatal care provider to decide
between delivering at a hospital, a birth center, or at home based on
their health and birth plan.
What
you can do to prepare for your birth plan: Build a wide support system for
yourself that includes friends and family as well as a birth team of providers
you trust. "Even if your birth does not go as planned, building a trusting
relationship with your birth team will help circumvent those adverse
4th-trimester outcomes," says McNeil.
Let
our pregnancy week by week calendar guide you through the
various stages of pregnancy right up until birth. We take you
from the exciting time you first discover you're pregnant, through the
uncomfortable stages of morning sickness. We'll help you pick a baby name, decorate your nursery, pack your
hospital bag, and even prepare you for the pinnacle moment - the birth of your new baby! Find your week of pregnancy or get started with Week 1.
Let
our pregnancy week by week calendar guide you through the
various stages of pregnancy right up until birth. We take you from the
exciting time you first discover you're pregnant, through the
uncomfortable stages of morning sickness. We'll help you pick a baby name,
decorate your nursery, pack your hospital bag, and even prepare you for the
pinnacle moment - the birth of your new baby! Find your week
of pregnancy or get started with Week 1.
Breastfeeding
Both
you and your baby benefit from breastfeeding but it can be hard work. Here
you'll learn how to breastfeed your baby and get expert breastfeeding tips.
You'll also learn about breast milk, breast pumping, and when it's time to
start weaning.
Breastfeeding
Both
you and your baby benefit from breastfeeding but it can be hard work. Here
you'll learn how to breastfeed your baby and get expert breastfeeding tips.
You'll also learn about breast milk, breast pumping, and when it's time to
start weaning.
The Cry It Out
Method for Sleep Training: A Parent’s Guide
Some
parents swear by the cry it out method—also known as extinction sleep training—
while others think it's downright harmful. Here’s what you need to know about
the technique.
The cry it out method is a type of sleep training that
involves letting a baby cry for a period of time before they go to sleep. There
are numerous variations on the cry it out method (also called extinction sleep
training)—and they often spark heated debate among parents, pediatricians, and
psychologists. Keep reading to learn more about the cry it out method, how it
works, and whether it’s safe for your little one.
Baby Development
Your
baby's physical development is a thing of beauty and a source of pride. From sitting
to crawling, walking to talking, smiling to laughing, each achievement is a
developmental milestone. Learn what to expect next in your baby's physical and
intellectual development.
Baby Development
Your
baby's physical development is a thing of beauty and a source of pride. From sitting
to crawling, walking to talking, smiling to laughing, each achievement is a
developmental milestone. Learn what to expect next in your baby's physical and
intellectual development.
Activities
Finding
a fun activity to keep your child happy and busy requires a little imagination
and help from us. Here you'll find a slew of our best activity ideas for
toddlers and preschoolers ranging from games, to arts and crafts, and more.
How to Plant an
Edible Garden with Kids
Spend
time with your kids outside and show them where their food really comes from
(not Trader Joe’s). And once they grow those leafy greens, they might actually
eat them too.
Development
Learn
about behaviors, first friends, language, manners, delays, and more with these
developmental touchstones. Our month-by-month guide prepares you every step of
the way.
4 Big Emotions to Talk About With
Little Kids
The different ways your child behaves actually
stems from a list of four complex emotions. Here’s how explain them to your
child in a way they’ll understand so they can learn to manage them.
Children as young as 1 start to show emotions, and whether you realized
it or not, that's when you started showing them back. Remember the time you
told your little one, "Ouchie" and frowned when he threw that toy
car? That's an emotion! "We implicitly identify, demonstrate, and explain
why our toddlers shouldn't act a certain way by discussing and showing them the
correct way," says Jaime Gleicher, LMSW, a behavioral therapist at
Harstein Psychological Services Center in New York City.
But we often don't take the same time and effort to give those kinds of
emotional cues to school-aged kids. "If you're just going to tell your
child to go to her room when she misbehaves, you're missing an opportunity to
discuss with her why she acted out and how she might be feeling," she
adds. These small gestures can open the door to communication to help your
child understand the complexities of emotions.
"There's
no school subject on identifying and explaining emotions, even though building
and growing your child's emotional intelligence and emotional vocabulary should
start at a very young age. In my opinion, it's as important as learning
numbers, letters, and color sorting," says Gleicher. The purpose of
feelings is to make sense of what's going on inside of us and around us.
Feelings give us quick feedback to use based upon our past experiences.
- RELATED: How to Help Your
Preschooler Handle Emotions and Avoid Outbursts
Rather than trying to define a long list of emotions for your
child, start with the basics. Here you will find the most common complex
emotions which all other emotions stem from, and how to talk to your kids about
them.
How to make things easier: A
good technique to teaching children about an emotion is pointing it out in
others. "When you read storybooks or watch movies, ask your child how they
think the character may be feeling? This not only increases emotional
vocabulary, it teaches empathy, the act of putting oneself in others' shoes
How to make things easier: Avoid
the pitfall of saying "use your words" when a child is upset since
it's not a reasonable expectation while the young child is still in the early
stages of learning how to connect body and mind sensations with a feelings
vocabulary. "I tell a lot of parents to create a feelings chart using
emojis which all kids love—and use it to teach your kids to recognize how
facial expressions correlate to feelings," says Gleicher. Or if they can't
put a name to the feeling they're having, they can point to the expression that
matches it.
Since it's more difficult for a young child to express the
root of their fear, telling stories, acting out situations, or reading books
about a particularly scary situation can help kids overcome fears. Experts
recommend books
here's another kind of jealousy with young children that involves
thinking you will lose or have lost some affection, attention, or security from
another person because of someone or something else, including their interest
in an activity that takes time away from you. This can show up in the smallest
of situations, like when your child wants to have the biggest slice of birthday
cake at his friend's party. If your child cries when he sees he doesn't
get what he wants (he's not the birthday boy after all), ask him what's going
on that's making him cry (even if you know why). You want to get your child
talking about his emotions to recognize why they occur. "You want to
validate their emotions and acknowledge them," says Dr. Zeltser. "I
see you're upset about the cake" and "Sometimes we don't get what we
want"—the key is to never start the next sentence with the word
"but" as you're implicitly invalidating their feelings. Follow up
with "and" instead—"And it's normal to want the biggest slice of
cake. Today we're going to let your friend have it because it's his
birthday." Then, shift the focus to something that would make your child
feel happy, like asking your son to tell his friend how much fun he's having.
Intellectual Development
Your
toddler is likely asking a lot of questions. Her cognitive development is
exploding. From brain-boosting games to language-building tricks, here you'll
learn everything about your child's intellectual development.
14 Tips for Disciplining Your
Toddler
Even the best of parents struggle with how to
discipline a toddler. Follow these simple strategies to keep your 2- and
3-year-olds in line.
1.
Pick Your Battles
"If
you're always saying, 'No, no, no,' your child will tune out the no and won't
understand your priorities," says Pearson, author of The Discipline Miracle.
"Plus you can't possibly follow through on all of the nos.'" Define
what's important to you, set limits accordingly, and follow through with
appropriate consequences. Then ease up on little things that are annoying but
otherwise fall into the "who cares?" category—the habits your child
is likely to outgrow, such as insisting on wearing purple (and only purple).
"Keeping
a good relationship with your child—who is of course in reality totally
dependent upon you—is more important for her growth than trying to force her to
respond in ways that she simply is not going to respond," says Elizabeth
Berger, M.D., child psychiatrist and author of Raising Kids with
Character. You may worry that "giving in" will create
a spoiled monster, but Dr. Berger says this common anxiety isn't justified.
Hopefully, the positive reinforcement will encourage
2.
Know Your Child's Triggers
Some
misbehavior is preventable—as long as you can anticipate what will spark it and
you create a game plan in advance, such as removing tangible temptations. This
strategy worked for Jean Nelson of Pasadena, California, after her
2-year-old son took delight in dragging toilet paper down the hall, giggling as
the roll unfurled behind him. "The first two times Luke did it, I told
him, 'No,' but when he did it a third time, I moved the toilet paper to a high
shelf in the bathroom that he couldn't reach," Nelson says. "For a
toddler, pulling toilet paper is irresistible fun. It was easier to take it out
of his way than to fight about it."
ADVERTISEMENT
As
a 2-year-old, Nathaniel Lampros of Sandy, Utah, was fascinated with toy
swords and loved to duel with Kenayde, his 4-year-old sister. But inevitably,
he'd whack her in the head, she'd dissolve in tears, and Angela, their mother,
would come running to see what had happened. She'd ask Nathaniel to apologize,
as well as give Kenayde a hug and make her laugh to pacify hurt feelings. If he
resisted, Angela would put her son in time-out.
- RELATED: 12 Ways to Stop Yelling
at Your Kids
"I
worried that Nathaniel would never outgrow his rough behavior, and there were
days when I'd get so frustrated with him that I'd end up crying," recalls
Lampros, now a mother of four. "But I really wanted Nathaniel to play
nicely, so I did my best to teach him how to do it."
ADVERTISING
For
many mothers, doling out effective discipline is one of the
toughest and most frustrating tasks of parenting, a seemingly never-ending test
of wills between you and your child. Because just when your 2-year-old
"gets" that she can't thump her baby brother in the head with a doll,
she'll latch on to another bothersome behavior —and the process starts anew.
How
exactly does one "discipline" a toddler? Some people equate it
with spanking
and punishment, but that's not what we're talking about. As many
parenting experts see it, discipline is about setting rules to stop your little
one from engaging in behavior that's aggressive (hitting and biting), dangerous
(running out in the street), and inappropriate (throwing food). It's also about
following through with consequences when he breaks the rules—or what Linda
Pearson, a Denver-based psychiatric nurse practitioner who
specializes in family and parent counseling, calls "being a good
boss." Here are seven strategies that can help you set limits and stop bad
behavior.
1.
Pick Your Battles
"If
you're always saying, 'No, no, no,' your child will tune out the no and won't
understand your priorities," says Pearson, author of The Discipline Miracle.
"Plus you can't possibly follow through on all of the nos.'" Define
what's important to you, set limits accordingly, and follow through with
appropriate consequences. Then ease up on little things that are annoying but
otherwise fall into the "who cares?" category—the habits your child
is likely to outgrow, such as insisting on wearing purple (and only purple).
"Keeping
a good relationship with your child—who is of course in reality totally
dependent upon you—is more important for her growth than trying to force her to
respond in ways that she simply is not going to respond," says Elizabeth
Berger, M.D., child psychiatrist and author of Raising Kids with
Character. You may worry that "giving in" will create
a spoiled monster, but Dr. Berger says this common anxiety isn't justified.
For
Anna Lucca of Washington, D.C., that means letting her 2-1/2-year-old
daughter trash her bedroom before she dozes off for a nap. "I find books
and clothes scattered all over the floor when Isabel wakes up, so she must get
out of bed to play after I put her down," Lucca says. "I tell her not
to make a mess, but she doesn't listen. Rather than try to catch her in the act
and say, 'No, no, no,' I make her clean up right after her nap." Lucca is
also quick to praise Isabel for saying please and sharing toys with her
5-month-old sister. "Hopefully, the positive reinforcement will
encourage Isabel to do more of the good behavior—and less of the bad," she
says.
2.
Know Your Child's Triggers
Some
misbehavior is preventable—as long as you can anticipate what will spark it and
you create a game plan in advance, such as removing tangible temptations. This
strategy worked for Jean Nelson of Pasadena, California, after her
2-year-old son took delight in dragging toilet paper down the hall, giggling as
the roll unfurled behind him. "The first two times Luke did it, I told
him, 'No,' but when he did it a third time, I moved the toilet paper to a high
shelf in the bathroom that he couldn't reach," Nelson says. "For a
toddler, pulling toilet paper is irresistible fun. It was easier to take it out
of his way than to fight about it."
If
your 18-month-old is prone to grabbing cans off grocery store shelves, bring
toys for him to play with in the cart while you're shopping. If your 2-year-old
won't share her stuffed animals during playdates at home, remove them from the
designated play area before her pal arrives. And if your 3-year-old likes to
draw on the walls, stash the crayons in an out-of-reach drawer and don't let
him color without supervision.
3.
Practice Prevention
Some
children act out when they're hungry, overtired, or frustrated from being
cooped up inside, says Harvey Karp, M.D., creator of the DVD and book The Happiest Toddler on the
Block. If your child tends to be happy and energetic in the
morning but is tired and grumpy after lunch, schedule trips to the store and
visits to the doctor for when she's at her best. Prepare her for any new
experiences, and explain how you expect her to act.
Also prepare
her for shifting activities: "In a few minutes we'll need to pick up the
toys and get ready to go home." The better prepared a child feels, the
less likely she is to make a fuss.
4.
Be Consistent
"Between
the ages of 2 and 3, children are working hard to understand how their behavior
impacts the people around them," says Claire Lerner, LCSW, director of
parenting resources with Zero to Three, a nationwide
nonprofit promoting the healthy development of babies and toddlers.
"If your reaction to a situation keeps changing—one day you let your son
throw a ball in the house and the next you don't—you'll confuse him with mixed
signals."
5.
Don't Get Emotional
Sure,
it's hard to stay calm when your 18-month-old yanks the dog's tail or your
3-year-old refuses to brush his teeth for the gazillionth night in a row. But
if you scream in anger, the message you're trying to send will get lost and the
situation will escalate, fast.
"When
a child is flooded with a parent's negative mood, he'll see the emotion and
won't hear what you're saying," advised the late William
Coleman, M.D., professor of pediatrics at the University of North
Carolina Medical School in Chapel Hill. Indeed, an angry reaction will
only enhance the entertainment value for your child, so resist the urge to
raise your voice. Take a deep breath, count to three, and get down to your
child's eye level. Be fast and firm, serious and stern when you deliver the
reprimand.
6.
Listen and Repeat
Kids
feel better when they know they have been heard, so whenever possible, repeat
your child's concerns. If she's whining in the grocery store because you won't
let her open the cookies, say something like: "It sounds like you're mad
at me because I won't let you open the cookies until we get home. I'm sorry you
feel that way, but the store won't let us open things until they're paid for.
That's its policy." This won't satisfy her urge, but it will reduce her
anger and defuse the conflict.
7.
Keep It Short and Simple
If
you're like most first-time parents, you tend to reason with your child when
she breaks rules, offering detailed explanations about what she did wrong and
issuing detailed threats about the privileges she'll lose if she doesn't stop
misbehaving. But as a discipline strategy, overt-talking is as ineffective as
becoming overly emotional, according to Dr. Coleman. While an 18-month-old
lacks the cognitive ability to understand complex sentences, a 2- or 3-year-old
with more developed
language skills still lacks the attention span to absorb what you're
saying.
As
a 2-year-old, Nathaniel Lampros of Sandy, Utah, was fascinated with toy
swords and loved to duel with Kenayde, his 4-year-old sister. But inevitably,
he'd whack her in the head, she'd dissolve in tears, and Angela, their mother,
would come running to see what had happened. She'd ask Nathaniel to apologize,
as well as give Kenayde a hug and make her laugh to pacify hurt feelings. If he
resisted, Angela would put her son in time-out.
- RELATED: 12 Ways to
Stop Yelling at Your Kids
"I
worried that Nathaniel would never outgrow his rough behavior, and there were
days when I'd get so frustrated with him that I'd end up crying," recalls
Lampros, now a mother of four. "But I really wanted Nathaniel to play
nicely, so I did my best to teach him how to do it."
ADVERTISING
For
many mothers, doling out effective discipline is one of the
toughest and most frustrating tasks of parenting, a seemingly never-ending test
of wills between you and your child. Because just when your 2-year-old
"gets" that she can't thump her baby brother in the head with a
doll, she'll latch on to another bothersome behavior —and the process starts
anew.
How
exactly does one "discipline" a toddler? Some people equate it
with spanking and punishment, but that's not what we're talking about. As
many parenting experts see it, discipline is about setting rules to stop your
little one from engaging in behavior that's aggressive (hitting and biting),
dangerous (running out in the street), and inappropriate (throwing food). It's
also about following through with consequences when he breaks the rules—or what
Linda Pearson, a Denver-based psychiatric nurse practitioner who
specializes in family and parent counseling, calls "being a good
boss." Here are seven strategies that can help you set limits and stop bad
behavior.
"Keeping
a good relationship with your child—who is of course in reality totally
dependent upon you—is more important for her growth than trying to force her to
respond in ways that she simply is not going to respond," says Elizabeth
Berger, M.D., child psychiatrist and author of Raising Kids with
Character. You may worry that "giving in" will create a
spoiled monster, but Dr. Berger says this common anxiety isn't justified.
For
Anna Lucca of Washington, D.C., that means letting her 2-1/2-year-old
daughter trash her bedroom before she dozes off for a nap. "I find books
and clothes scattered all over the floor when Isabel wakes up, so she must get
out of bed to play after I put her down," Lucca says. "I tell her not
to make a mess, but she doesn't listen. Rather than try to catch her in the act
and say, 'No, no, no,' I make her clean up right after her nap." Lucca is
also quick to praise Isabel for saying please and sharing toys with her
5-month-old sister. "Hopefully, the positive reinforcement will
encourage Isabel to do more of the good behavior—and less of the bad," she
says.
2. Know Your Child's Triggers
Some
misbehavior is preventable—as long as you can anticipate what will spark it and
you create a game plan in advance, such as removing tangible temptations. This
strategy worked for Jean Nelson of Pasadena, California, after her
2-year-old son took delight in dragging toilet paper down the hall, giggling as
the roll unfurled behind him. "The first two times Luke did it, I told
him, 'No,' but when he did it a third time, I moved the toilet paper to a high
shelf in the bathroom that he couldn't reach," Nelson says. "For a
toddler, pulling toilet paper is irresistible fun. It was easier to take it out
of his way than to fight about it."
If
your 18-month-old is prone to grabbing cans off grocery store shelves, bring
toys for him to play with in the cart while you're shopping. If your 2-year-old
won't share her stuffed animals during playdates at home, remove them from the
designated play area before her pal arrives. And if your 3-year-old likes to
draw on the walls, stash the crayons in an out-of-reach drawer and don't let
him color without supervision.
3. Practice Prevention
Some
children act out when they're hungry, overtired, or frustrated from being
cooped up inside, says Harvey Karp, M.D., creator of the DVD and book The Happiest Toddler on the Block. If
your child tends to be happy and energetic in the morning but is tired and
grumpy after lunch, schedule trips to the store and visits to the doctor for
when she's at her best. Prepare her for any new experiences, and explain how
you expect her to act.
Also prepare
her for shifting activities: "In a few minutes we'll need to pick up the
toys and get ready to go home." The better prepared a child feels, the
less likely she is to make a fuss.
4.
Be Consistent
"Between
the ages of 2 and 3, children are working hard to understand how their behavior
impacts the people around them," says Claire Lerner, LCSW, director of
parenting resources with Zero to Three, a nationwide
nonprofit promoting the healthy development of babies and toddlers.
"If your reaction to a situation keeps changing—one day you let your son
throw a ball in the house and the next you don't—you'll confuse him with mixed
signals."
There's
no timetable as to how many incidents and reprimands it will take before your
child stops a certain misbehavior. But if you always respond the same way,
he'll probably learn his lesson after four or five times. Consistency was key
for Orly Isaacson of Bethesda, Maryland, when her 18-month-old went
through a biting
phase. Each time Sasha chomped on Isaacson's finger, she used a
louder-than-usual voice to correct her—"No, Sasha! Don't bite! That hurts
Mommy!"—and then handed her a toy as a distraction. "I'm very
low-key, so raising my voice startled Sasha and got the message across
fast," she says. A caveat: by age 2, many kids learn how to make their
parents lose resolve just by being cute. Don't let your child's tactics sway
you—no matter how cute (or clever) they are.
Sure,
it's hard to stay calm when your 18-month-old yanks the dog's tail or your
3-year-old refuses to brush his teeth for the gazillionth night in a row. But
if you scream in anger, the message you're trying to send will get lost and the
situation will escalate, fast.
"When
a child is flooded with a parent's negative mood, he'll see the emotion and
won't hear what you're saying," advised the late William Coleman, M.D.,
professor of pediatrics at the University of North Carolina Medical
School in Chapel Hill. Indeed, an angry reaction will only enhance the
entertainment value for your child, so resist the urge to raise your voice.
Take a deep breath, count to three, and get down to your child's eye level. Be
fast and firm, serious and stern when you deliver the reprimand.
Trade
in the goal of "controlling your child" for the goal of
"controlling the situation," advises Dr. Berger. "This may mean
re-adjusting your ideas of what is possible for a time until your
daughter's self-discipline has a chance to grow a little more," she says.
"You may need to lower your expectations of her patience and her
self-control somewhat. If your goal is to keep the day going along smoothly, so
that there are fewer opportunities for you both to feel frustrated, that would
be a constructive direction."
6.
Listen and Repeat
Kids
feel better when they know they have been heard, so whenever possible, repeat
your child's concerns. If she's whining in the grocery store because you won't
let her open the cookies, say something like: "It sounds like you're mad
at me because I won't let you open the cookies until we get home. I'm sorry you
feel that way, but the store won't let us open things until they're paid for.
That's its policy." This won't satisfy her urge, but it will reduce her
anger and defuse the conflict.
7.
Keep It Short and Simple
If
you're like most first-time parents, you tend to reason with your child when
she breaks rules, offering detailed explanations about what she did wrong and
issuing detailed threats about the privileges she'll lose if she doesn't stop
misbehaving. But as a discipline strategy, overt-talking is as ineffective as
becoming overly emotional, according to Dr. Coleman. While an 18-month-old
lacks the cognitive ability to understand complex sentences, a 2- or 3-year-old
with more developed
language skills still lacks the attention span to absorb what you're
saying.
Instead,
speak in short phrases, repeating them a few times and incorporating vocal inflections
and facial expressions. For example, if your 18-month-old swats your arm, say,
"No, Jake! Don't hit Mommy! That hurts! No hitting." A 2-year-old can
comprehend a bit more: "Evan, no jumping on the sofa! No jumping. Jumping
is dangerous—you could fall. No jumping!" And a 3-year-old can process
cause and effect, so state the consequences of the behavior: "Ashley, your
teeth need to be brushed. You can brush them, or I can brush them for you. You
decide. The longer it takes, the less time we'll have to read Dr. Seuss."
8.
Offer Choices
When
a child refuses to do (or stop doing) something, the real issue is usually
control: You've got it; she wants it. So, whenever possible, give your
preschooler some control by offering a limited set of choices.
10.
Teach Empathy
It's
rarely obvious to a 3-year-old why he should stop doing something he finds fun,
like biting, hitting, or grabbing toys from other children. Teach him empathy
instead: "When you bite or hit people, it hurts them"; "When you
grab toys away from other kids, they feel sad because they still want to play
with those toys." This helps your child see that his behavior directly
affects other people and trains him to think about consequences first.
11. Give a Time-Out toddlers and kids time out. 13.
Reward Good Behavior in kids and toddlers. Reward Good Behavior in teens and
teenagers.
Stay
Positive about parenting your baby, child toddler or teen.
No
matter how frustrated you feel about your child's misbehavior,
As
a parent of a toddler, you know what it feels like to be in a state of constant
motion—and emotion. As your child continues to grow and develop, their daily
needs and activities will change right along with them. Take a closer look at
what to expect during the toddler years when it comes to diet and nutrition,
sleep, safety, health concerns, and more.
Overall, the American Academy of Pediatrics offers these
helpful tips on toddler nutrition:3
- Only offer water or milk for toddler beverages. Juice is often high in calories and sugar.
- Snacks are OK. Offer
two to three healthy snacks a day to your toddler.
- Consistency is key. Don't
make food a big deal. If your toddler refuses to try a new food, say
"OK," remove the food, and then offer it again another time. The
key is to not make food a power struggle or attach negative emotion to it.
Don’t punish your child for not trying a new food, but continue to offer
healthy snacks at regular intervals.
·
Getting enough physical activity usually isn’t hard for
toddlers. For them, play is work. The simple act of playing helps toddlers further
develop motor skills, learn important concepts like colors and numbers, and
sharpen skills like problem-solving, critical thinking, creativity, and more.
·
A busy toddler is always on the go and keeping them interested
and focused can be difficult. As your toddler’s attention span increases and
their behavior becomes more predictable and manageable, you’ll find plenty of
opportunities to try new activities.
·
Different activities, both individual and group, are also a
great way to help your toddler learn new skills, to add structure to your
toddler’s day, to promote gross and fine motor skills, and to support cognitive
development.
·
Toddlers are naturally curious, which makes this stage a perfect
time for some parent and child classes. From soccer to yoga, and music to
movement, there are plenty of structured activities for older toddlers
·
Your toddler will likely want to be by your side most of the
time whenever they're awake. It’s important to let them get involved in some of
the activities you’re doing.
·
It's often easier and quicker for parents to do everything
themselves, but even allowing your toddler to help in the smallest ways can
keep them active and teach important skills. Tell them to throw a napkin in the
trash for you or allow them to use her toy broom to sweep alongside you.
·
Chores for toddlers will mostly consist of picking up toys,
putting dirty clothes in a hamper, or putting books back on the shelf. Your little
one will likely be interested in helping you do chores too. Allow an older
toddler to assist you in wiping up messes, caring for pets, and making the bed.
·
Talking to your little one is key to helping them develop better
language skills.6 Use
descriptive words in your conversation that describe the color or size of
objects. You might even narrate what they're doing by saying things like, “You
are building with blocks. You knocked the blocks over.”
·
The best way to spend time with your toddler is to get down on
the floor alongside them in a child-friendly space—but follow their lead. If they
are playing with a doll, play with them. Just don’t be too concerned about
whether they're doing things “the right way.” In a toddler’s imaginative play,
it’s OK for bathtubs to be on the roof of the house and it’s fine for cars to
talk.
·
Health & Safety
·
One of the biggest challenges to keeping toddlers safe is their
new-found mobility. They walk, climb, jump, and explore. It only takes a matter
of seconds for them to put themselves in a dangerous situation.
·
In addition to keeping them safe, it's important to make sure
they're getting adequate sleep and proper nutrition. Regular wellness visits
are key to ensuring your toddler is on target with developmental milestones as
well.7
·
Visiting the Doctor
·
Well-child visits for toddlers usually occur with a pediatrician
at 12, 15, 18, and 24 months of age.
·
Common
health issues in toddlers include ear infections, colds, and skin issues.9
·
·
·
If you have questions about
your child’s development, or you have concerns about sleeping or eating habits,
or behavior issues, talk to the pediatrician. Ask questions about what types of
food you can introduce to your child and how to do so.
·
The toddler stage also typically includes the transition
from sleeping in a crib to sleeping in a big kid bed, though parents shouldn't
feel pressured to make the switch at a certain age.12 If your child is still comfortable in
a crib, there's not usually a reason to move them until they are older.
·
If your child is a younger toddler, they're probably still
taking two naps a day. You don't need to change that unless you've already started
to see indicators that this is changing on its own.
·
For example, if your toddler is starting to have trouble falling
asleep at what would be the normal time for a nap or doesn't seem tired at the
same time in the morning, it may be time for just one nap per day
·
In the past, the American Academy of
Pediatrics recommended children under age 2 not be exposed to screen time. That
policy was updated in 2016, however, as more apps and sites became more
toddler-friendly.
·
·
·
However, screen time should still be used in extreme moderation
with toddlers. Healthy ways to use digital devices include reading books online
or using apps that allow your little one to video chat with distant relatives.
·
Try to limit the amount of TV your child watches, and don’t leave
the TV on for background noise as there’s evidence it could affect
your toddler’s ability to learn.
·
You may also want to think twice about bringing
your toddler to the movies. If you are bringing older kids to see a movie, consider finding
a sitter for your toddler.
·
As a parent of a 4-year-old, you may notice your child is all
about living life to the fullest and making the most of every opportunity to
learn, play and grow. Get ready—your 4-year-old’s skills and knowledge will
continue to develop by leaps and bounds as they get ready to enter kindergarten.
·
Understanding the key developmental milestones of this age will
help you ensure your child is on track. It can also help you see what
skills your child may need to learn and identify any warning signs that you and
their pediatrician should discuss.
Physical Development
As a 4-year old
develops physically, they not only grow taller, but continue to get a better
handle on their gross and fine
motor skills. A 4-year-old is still learning how to control their body and
is more likely to try new things as they succeed.1
Key Milestones
- Gross motor skills: Your 4-year-old will
become aware of their own place in space and be less likely to bump
into others while moving. Their running abilities will improve dramatically,
and they may even be able to dribble a soccer ball.
- Fine motor skills: At age 4, your child
should have improved hand-eye coordination which results in an
ability to string beads, complete puzzles, and color inside the lines.
- Major highlights: By this age, most kids can
dress themselves, brush their teeth with supervision, and are usually
potty-trained.
·
Social Development
·
Temper tantrums are
(hopefully) becoming less and less frequent as your child has learned coping
mechanisms, but a major life event, such as a move, a divorce, or
the birth of a sibling can
definitely affect your child's moods and behaviors.2
·
While trusted adults, like parents and grandparents, are
still the primary source of your child's interactions, the opinions
of friends and peers are starting to become more important.
Cognitive Development
Your 4-year-old
is likely getting better at problem-solving and has a good handle on how to
incorporate a solution that will appease everyone (or at least tries to).
While most
4-year-olds can recite the alphabet and memorize shapes and colors, cognitive
development isn’t just about learning facts and academic basics. Learning for
children this age also envelops learning about learning—how to ask questions
and how to process information into understanding.3
Speech & Language
This age is
definitely a chatty one, as more language skills develop (what they say and
what they understand) at an astounding rate. Your 4-year-old should have about
2,500-3,0004 words they
understand. By the fifth birthday, however, it will balloon to over 5,000
words.
Play
Most
4-year-olds love using their imaginations. They may even develop imaginary
friends.
Your child may
go between reality and pretend play constantly. They might enjoy playing
house or dress up, and getting their friends involved, too.
Key Milestones
- Shows an interest in goal setting for
herself—like learning how to ride a two-wheeler, or learning how to pump a
swing.
- Wants to make decisions on their own, such
as picking out their own clothing or choosing a snack.
- Understands the concepts of numbers—that the
number four represents four flowers or four balls.
Parenting Tip
To help your
4-year-old continue learning, just keep talking. Answer any questions (even if
you don't know the answers), read, and get them thinking about words by asking
questions about what you are seeing and doing.
Other Milestones
By age 4, most
kids start to recognize their sexuality. Your child may have questions about
where babies come from or why boys and girls are different.1
It’s important
to provide basic, matter-of-fact information. Use correct terminology about
your child’s body parts.
Avoid scolding
or punishing your child for touching her genitals. You may want to begin
talking about what’s socially acceptable and what isn’t. For example, explain
that no other person, other than a doctor or a parent, can touch a child’s
private parts.
Parenting,
raising kids, how to promote self-improvement in your kids, self-improvement,
toddler
This is the usual wide-eyed
response when people hear that I have four teenagers. Sometimes people grimace,
like the mere thought of it is a bitter pill. They are thinking, I know, that
teenagers are hard, which, of course, they can be. Everyone assumes
I must be insanely busy, or maybe just a little insane, and that raising four
teenagers must be nearly impossible.These thoughts occur because many teenagers
tend to be either terribly disorganized, requiring constant nagging, or tightly
wound, perfectionistic, and in need of constant therapy. There’s also all that
new neuroscience showing, unfortunately, that the brain regions that help
humans make wise choices don’t mature until kids are in their mid 20s, and that
many potentially life-threatening risks become more appealing during
adolescence while the normal fear of danger is temporarily suppressed. Knowing
these things can make it hard for us parents to relax.
Though teenagers can be hard to
parent, the good news is that parenting teenagers is in many ways a hell of a
lot easier than raising little kids. For this to be the case, however, our
parenting needs to shift. Here are the three big shifts that parents of
teenagers need to make to survive their kids’ adolescence.
1. We step down as
primary decision makers and step up our coaching
When our kids are little, we have to manage
pretty much every aspect of their lives. We set bedtimes, plan meals, and make
doctor’s appointments. We arrange carpools and make all major decisions: where
they will go to school, if they will go to camp, and where we’ll go on
vacation. And when our kids are little, for the most part, they appreciate
having involved and loving parents. It’s great having someone else manage your
calendar and get you to your activities (mostly) on time.
But once kids reach adolescence, they need to
start managing their own lives, and they do tend to fire us as their managers.
Parents who are too controlling—those who won’t step down from their manager
roles—breed rebellion. Many kids with micromanaging parents will politely agree
to the harsh limits their parents set with a “yes, sir” or a “yes, ma’am”
attitude, but then will break those rules the first chance they get. They don’t
do this because they are bad kids, but because they need to regain a sense of
control over their own lives.
The answer, according to neuropsychologist
William Stixrud and long-time educator Ned Johnson, authors of The Self-Driven
Child, is to hand the decision-making reins over to our teens. You read
that right: By adolescence, we parents need to (take a deep breath and) let
them make their own decisions about their lives. It’s not that we never say no
anymore. Nor do we stop enforcing our family rules. It’s that we start to
involve teens more in creating the rules, and we let them make their own
decisions—which they are going to do anyway.
Letting our kids become the primary decision
makers does NOT mean that we become permissive, indulgent, or disengaged. It
does mean that the quality—if not the quantity—of our support shifts. We give
up our role as their chief of staff and become more like life coaches. We ask
questions, and provide emotional support.
2. We influence them
differently
It’d be great if we parents could just download
information to our teens—say, about sex and drugs—and know that they were going
to use that information to make good decisions.
MORE
ON RAISING HAPPY TEENS
If you like this post, I think you’ll
love my new book, The New Adolescence: Raising Happy and Successful
Teens in an Age of Anxiety and Distraction. If you’re in the Bay Area, we
hope you’ll join us for the launch at the Hillside Club on February
20, 20! Find more information about Christine Carter’s book events here.
But giving teenagers a lot of information isn’t
an effective way to influence them anymore. Interesting research on this topic
shows that what is effective for elementary school children—giving them
information about their health or well-being that they can act on—tends to be
mostly ineffective for teenagers.
This is because adolescents are much more sensitive to whether or not they are
being treated with respect. The hormonal changes that come with puberty conspire
with adolescent social dynamics to make teenagers much more attuned to social
status. More specifically, they become super touchy about whether or not they
are being treated as though they are high status.
In the teenage brain, the part of themselves that
is an autonomous young adult is high status. The part of them
that is still a kid who needs our support is low status. They
might be half independent young adult, half little kid, but they are hugely
motivated to become 100 percent autonomous…even if they do know, on some level,
that they still need our support and guidance.
When we give our adolescents a lot of
information, especially when it is information that they don’t really want or
that they think they already have, it can feel infantilizing to them. Even if
we deliver the information as we would to another adult, teenagers will often
feel disrespected by the mere fact of our instruction.
So, when it’s time to bring up the topic you
want to influence your teen about, speak as you would to someone with the
highest possible social status—someone you really, really respect. (I have to
literally imagine that person in my head, and then imagine both the tone and
the words I would use with that person.) Remember, if your teen feels
disrespected, nagged, spoken down to, pressed upon, or infantilized, all bets
are off.
3. We have a lot of hard
conversations
Remember what you used to talk about with your
kids before they hit puberty? There are days when I’d give anything to just be
able to talk again about favorite foods and favorite colors and the tooth
fairy. It isn’t that every conversation was easy when they were young, but I
rarely felt the kind of discomfort I now feel while talking to my kids about
things like sex—or even their college applications. What starts as a casual
conversation can quickly become an emotional minefield. It’s hard not to let
our own agendas creep in. And it can be really hard to manage our own big
feelings about things.
Talking with teenagers about their lives can be
stressful. But teenagers today are dealing with some really hard stuff, and we
parents need to create safe spaces for our teens to talk about the hard things.
This takes a lot of courage. The simplest way to
increase our ability (and, frankly, willingness) to have uncomfortable
conversations with our teens is to practice doing it in baby steps. Instead of
thinking about having a “big talk,” broach a difficult topic in short
observations and simple questions. Let teens lead; our real value comes when we
listen rather than instruct. Even when we have a lot to say, it’s more
important to give them a chance to speak, to work out what they are thinking in
a low-risk environment. Practice staying calm despite the discomfort. Keep
taking deep breaths. Keep relaxing your shoulders. Notice your discomfort, and
welcome it. It’s nothing to be afraid of.
As hard as it might be for us to watch, our
teenagers are going to make mistakes. When they do, our anxious
over-involvement won’t help. What will help, though, is our calm presence. This
is more good news, because it is far more enjoyable to practice calm presence
than it is to freak out.
Above all, we’ll do well to remember that their lives
are their lives. It’s their journey, not ours. Our role is not to
steer them through life like we would marionettes, but rather to help them feel
seen, and to help them feel safe. For that, we need only to coach instead of managing,
listen instead of instruct, and breathe through our discomfort.
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